Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
