Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
