every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
