Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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