Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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