I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
