What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
