i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
