i love accidental penises.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
