you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
