oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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