I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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