Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
