Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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