Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
