She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
