Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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