Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
