Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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