a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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