When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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