i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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