she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
