Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
