Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
