i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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