Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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