There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
