So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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