if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
