3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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