the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize