Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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