I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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