I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
