I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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