My underwear smells like fireworks.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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