ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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