So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
