really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize