Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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