phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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