You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
