Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
