Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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