Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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