I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
