Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
