you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
