I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i think my cat just said my name.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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