Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
