the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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