Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
