I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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