I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Randomize
