I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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