I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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