I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
