we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
