i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I could make wine with my vomit
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
