the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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