The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
