If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
