the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
