Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
