it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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