My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize