If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
