i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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